Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
