oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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