i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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