the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
