you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
