forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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