i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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