I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
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