my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
