I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
