between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
