I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
