just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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