the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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