someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
