So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
