I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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