i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
