For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
how drunk are you?
Several
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
