At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
