you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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