Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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