i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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