We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
