Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
