Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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