im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
