Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Sober January is a disaster.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
