I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
