my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
