dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
