FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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