I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
