Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
