My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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