I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
