I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
