you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
