who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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