Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
