Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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