Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
