Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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