my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
