I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
