Your face is a jimmy john
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
