I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
