the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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