I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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