it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
