K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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